Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Having faith is hard

I have not written in a while.  Part of my PTSD is that i sometime feel very anti-social, and I have been feeling that way a lot lately.  I know you may be thinking that writing a blog entry is not being social, it's just me sitting at a keyboard.  But, it is social, it's my voice that I'm writing, even if no one is reading it is still me voicing my thoughts.  Anyways, that's where I've been, in the dark recesses of my own mind, unwilling to give my thoughts up for others to look at.

Faith.  It seems like a pretty simple concept, it's just your own belief in something.  In this case the belief in Christ and his message, in God, the Bible and what it tells us.  Simple enough that a child can do it.  As a matter of fact, we are told that we must, "...receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." (Mark 10:15)  But it's not mere belief that we need to have, for, "You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons also believe, and shudder" (James 2:19) Faith also includes believing in the whole message of the Bible.  The part of that message I have been struggling with is that god cares for us individually, has a plan for each of us, and that he will always provide what we need. That is a lot to have faith in when things aren't going well for you.

I have to admit that us Christians sometimes sound like a bunch of Pollyanna's.  When feeling down and lost we invariably try to point the way upward with Biblical anectotes or quotes that are ment to be uplifting.  Unfortunately when I am struggling with depression and anxiety they often just sound like hollow platitudes or greeting card slogans.  I guess it's my cynical nature that gets the best of me at these times.  I feel like Job.

In the past three years I have gone from having a good paying job, to having a poor paying job, to spending the past two years mostly with no job.  Everything I have is old and wearing out and I have no way to pay to repair or replace them.  I have learned new levels of survival that I never expected to experience.  Getting by on temp jobs, unemployment, and odd jobs I've managed to hang in here longer than I would have expected without becoming homeless.  But I now find myself once again out of options, no place to turn, the future looking like a gaping hole that will swallow me up.  Facing this abyss has started to crush me physically, psychologically, and spiritually. 

For me, faith comes from deep inside.  It's not something that can be shored up by others, at least for me.  It is intensely personal and at the core of my being.  I've been broken before, and I'm sure I will be again.  But, I think it's necessary for us to be broken, to have our spirit crushed, to be so out of control that we can no longer fool ourselves.  This is how character is built and how we learn that we must trust God for everything.  We are hopeless and helpless sinners who are beholden to Him for everything, even the air we breath.